Things I Want My Daughter To Know: Siblings
You’re going to have one.
Sibling is a fancy word for brother or sister. You and me share a distinct standing as first-born siblings. This means, by birthright, that we are awesome.
Birthright is a fancy word for getting something just for being born. Like being good looking.
As one oldest sibling to a future oldest sibling, let me offer this direction.
Be slow to speak. You’re sibling will likely take the blame.
You will gain great parental diplomacy. This should not be free to siblings.
Always call shotgun first.
When failing to call shotgun first, play the seniority card.
Your clothes will become their clothes. Choose wisely.
Imaginary lines are you friend.
The element of surprise is both priceless and hilarious.
You’re going to be a great big sister. I know it.
Things I Want My Daughter To Know: Sadness
It’s part of you.
In human terms, I would define emotion thusly:
The ability to feel something that is intangible.
Perhaps too simple a definition, but I think it fits. Emotions are a gift, and should not be taken for granted. Sadness is an emotion, and therefore, is a gift.
What I want you to know is that it’s alright to be sad, but don’t stay sad because that is no fun.
I think the best way to get past sadness is to talk it out; even if it’s on paper. This will help you identify what is making you sad.
No matter how hard your Mom or me try to shield you from it, you will get sad. At times it will be silly. Other times it will be profound. Embrace it. Without sadness, we would never know joy.
Things I Want My Daughter To Know: Taxes
They’re bullshit.
I’d love to be encouraging and helpful on this one, I really would. I can’t, though. I had an entire first draft written down about how at their core taxes are good, and help, and yadda yadda yadda. Let’s be honest, though, they’re bullshit.
Let me explain how taxes work:
- Americans elect government officials that promise to lessen our tax burden.
- Newly elected officials proceed to break their promises, and worsen our tax burdens.
- Americans begrudgingly pay taxes every April.
- Government officials squander tax dollars.
- Americans elect new asshats.
- Repeat.
Democracy in action.
If I could express this problem with more rational thought, and less profanity, I would.1 A problem as tangled as the American tax laws have no rational explanation, or solution.
There are many schools of thought on how to fix the tax problem in America. Some suggest tax aided programs be drastically cut, and then let the private market step in to fill the need(s). Others suggest that wealthier people should pay more tax, thus relieving the tax burden on those that make less.
I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I see the value in allowing the private market to provide goods and services currently provided by government programs. In theory, it sounds great. It would lessen tax burdens, and provide jobs. I fear, though, that private businesses would take advantage of the people who need their goods and services. This might just be part of the solution, as competitors would likely join in and offer better experiences.
It makes some sense that if you make more you have more to put in to the pot. However, just because someone makes more money, doesn’t necessarily mean they are a bigger burden on social infrastructure. I like the approach that people who spend more, pay more taxes. Naturally, it seems, that those who have more to spend would be shouldering more tax burden. Americans, though, have a problem living within their means, so this would easily backfire. It might also discourage spending, which is needed to keep the economy going.2
Instead, the system we have in place seemingly penalizes hard workers, discourages entrepreneurship3, encourages cheating4, and does its best to keep people from getting ahead.
What I want you to know is that as you get older it will likely get worse. Sorry. Just be prepared. Figure out how to protect your money with investments, donations, and off shore accounts.5 In the meantime, don’t say bullshit or asshat at school or around your grandparents.
1 Maybe not less profanity.
2 I think. I’m not an economist.
315.30% + other taxes
4How Not To Pay Taxes
5 Joking.6
6 Sort of.
Things I Want My Daughter To Know: Settlers Of Catan
Development cards FTW!
Settlers of Catan, or simply Settlers as those in the know might say, is a game of strategy. You buy and trade commodities in order to build up towns. The first player to ten points is the winner.
Your Mom said it best when she commented that Settlers is like getting rich, it brings out the best and worst in people.
There are numerous strategies to winning at Settlers. Luck, however, plays a big part in the game. One strategy I like to employ, and your Uncle Jordan despises it, is to buy a lot of Development Cards. Doing this will likely get you the largest army, as well as a Victory Point, or two. That’s up to four points rather quickly. You start the game with two points, automatically, so my Development Card strategy shoots you up to six points pretty quick.
It’s not fool proof, though. I’ve seen people buy up commodities and build cities as fast as possible. I’ve seen my approach combined with building the longest road (2pts). The worst strategy is the one where someone plays by rules that aren’t actually defined by the game. This is maddening.
A big part of the game is trading commodities. The five commodities you buy/trade are: brick, ore, wool, wheat, and timber. Each commodity is represented by a hexagonal board piece, and each piece is associated with a number. You then roll dice, and the commodity associated with the number on the dice is what everyone may collect (buy). The great thing about Settlers is that the board changes with every game, thus making certain commodities more plentiful or scarce. This is where trading becomes a big part of the game.
Trading can both form important allies and foes in the game. This is where the game mimics striking it rich, as your Mom said. It’s an astute observation, I think. The best and worst of people come out when you begin sharing what you have with some, and not others. Sometimes, people feel they are entitled to what you have.
What I want you to know is that both in the game, and in life, you need to be careful about who you share with. Some people will only take, and not share back. Some will expect you to share with them if you share with others. It’s a fine line, and one of life’s precarious nuances. Don’t be stingy, but don’t let yourself be taken advantage of, either.
In general, your Mom and I think that if you have extra of something that someone else needs, and you don’t need it yourself, then share it with, or give it to them. Set up boundaries, though, and stick to them. This is the best way to ensure the best, and not the worst of both you and those around you, comes out when you win… or strike it rich.
Things I Want My Daughter To Know: March Madness
It’s entertainment.
March Madness is a college basketball tournament that derails job productivity every March. It usually ends on the first weekend of April with the Final Four, and a championship game. Your mother wishes it was never invented.
The tournament was created in 1939. Phog Allen, a famous coach from Kansas, is credited with the original idea.
Four divisions are created, each with 16 teams. Each team is ranked in their division, 1 to 16. When these rankings, called seeds are announced, fans love to fill out brackets. These brackets serve as predictions as to which team will win the tournament.
Now, having been a March Madness fanatic for several years, I can honestly say that creating a bracket certainly adds to the enjoyment of the tournament. It gives you teams to support, and games to pay close attention to. However, it also detracts from simply enjoying a good competition.
Bracket pools are also a big part of the March Madness experience. People pay money to put their bracket, or brackets, in to a group with friends. Your bracket then competes against all of your friends brackets. In the end, whoever created the best bracket wins all the money that everyone paid to submit their bracket. It’s gambling, essentially.
I was introduced to bracket pools in 1993. I had no idea what I was doing, so I picked all the top ranked seeds in every game. This is typically considered to be amateur as it never happens that all top ranked teams win. While this tournament was no exception, it was exceptional in that three of the four #1 seeded teams made it to the final four: North Carolina, Michigan, & Kentucky. Kansas was seeded #2, and was also in the Final Four. North Carolina and Michigan advanced to the championship game, and I chose North Carolina to win. My friends thought I was ridiculous for choosing UNC, because Michigan was expected to win, and had all the best players.
However, Michigans star player, Chris Webber, called a time out in the final minute of the game. The only problem was that Michigan was out of time outs (you are allowed three per half in college basketball). This resulted in a technical foul (when an opposing player is allowed to attempt to gain points unguarded). Those foul shots allowed UNC to take the lead, and they won the game 77-71. My friends said I was lucky. They were right.
I had fun, though. This is what I want you to know, the point of sporting tournaments: having fun.
It’s fine to root for your favorite team; even passionately. Don’t let it ruin your day when they lose, though. I’ve let this happen to me. Living in a place like Kansas City, you’ll just be depressed all the time because our teams always lose. However, enjoy sports for what they are: entertainment. They are nothing more.
Sports really mean nothing in the big picture. They may bring pride, and a sense of accomplishment to a city, but it is short lived. Once the high of a win is gone, you still have to fight your battles, whatever they may be. So, don’t be afraid to take part in the escape of a sporting event, but don’t base your mood on the win or loss. It is shallow to do so.
Things I Want My Daughter To Know: Old Man Eyebrows
They just happen.
I don’t know the real term for old man eyebrows, but they are very real. They’re easy to spot, it looks like two caterpillars on a bad hair day moved in to where a man’s eyebrows should be.
One day a man wakes up, looks at himself in the mirror and realizes his eyebrows have a permanent case of bed head. So I’ve heard.
The travesty in all of this is there is only one thing a man can do to tame those badger bristles: eyebrow waxing. Most men, however, just go about their lives content in knowing their eyebrows look like a spent toothbrush. Waxing, you see, is not manly.
Eyebrow waxing would require a man to go to a salon, rather than a barbershop, and allow a lady to smear hot wax on his eyebrows, then yank the wax off after it has cooled. This hurts! No, they’ll fly their old man eyebrows with pride, thank you.
What I want you know is that you should be kind to these men. They can’t help it. They had no say in what their eyebrows decided to do one evening while they comfortably slept.
You would, however, be a hero if you developed some type of special ionizing comb that cured us them of this ailment once and for all.
Things I Want My Daughter To Know: Exercise
Do it for you.
Let me get one thing out of the way: exercise is tough. Not only is it tough physically, but it’s tough mentally. I say mentally because in our society, one tends to feel guilty when they miss a workout. This is ridiculous.
Exercise should be done for you, and no one else.
I hope that as you grow up you develop an understanding of the benefits of exercise, but also an affinity for exercising. What I don’t want you to do is fall in to the trap of thinking that if you exercise enough you will attain some body image that people think is beautiful. Chasing this image is an endless world of hurt. Everyone has a different definition of beauty.
Also, and I hate to break this to you, you might have a bit of an uphill battle as you’re not exactly inheriting Greek god-like genetics from me. Thankfully, a little bit of exercise will go a long way.
You don’t have to spend two hours in the gym every day to benefit from exercise. While that type of committment will certainly have an effect, simple activities like walking will do just fine. I like to run.
I began running in college, but for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to impress people by getting in shape. My motivation to exercise was all wrong. As such, it was extremely difficult to maintain motivation to exercise. I wasn’t getting the reward I had hoped for.
This is my point, exercise for the right reasons: to feel good, be healthy, have more energy, and maintain strong immunity. Don’t exercise to impress people. When you’re focused on what other’s think of you, it is difficult to understand how you feel about you.
Things I Want My Daughter To Know: Higher Education
It’s respected.
Higher Education typically refers to college or post-high school education. College is the time in your life where t-shirts and debt amass daily. Ideally, you would also figure out a general direction for your life.
Don’t let the part about finding a direction for your life scare you, though. You can always change it later. If you end up anything like me, you likely will. If you end up mostly like your Momma, you will know what you want to do with your life by the time you are 14.
What I want you to know, though, is that while higher education is respected, it is certainly not expected.
Modern history is filled with success stories of people who never finished, or went to college. Two of the most innovative technological minds of our time, Bill Gates & Steve Jobs, never finished college.
College, and the degree that comes with graduation, gets you a foot in the door with many people and places. That is it’s biggest advantage.1 People respect a degree. People also respect success. Figure out how to do one of the two, and you will do well.
No matter your route, be curious, ask questions, and work very hard. It’s hard to lose with this approach.
1 Highly specialized vocations such as the medical field, law, rocket science, etc. are obvious exceptions. You have to go to school for those.
Things I Want My Daughter To Know: The Internet
It’s awesome.
According to Wikipedia, the term Internet was first coined in late December of 1974. It was used to describe a network of networks. However, the Internet as we know and use it today really started to take shape in the early 90’s after Sir Timothy John “Tim” Berners-Lee invented the World Wide Web. The terms World Wide Web and Internet quickly became synonymous as the general public started taking an interest in what was once a technical and academic network of networks.
You will never know a world without the Internet, so let me tell you a little bit about how it was prior to this incredible creation.
- Everything was on paper.
That about sums it up.
Information was mostly printed on paper, and delivered by trucks. It was all very slow.
With the Internet, most everything is delivered through the air in bytes. Little things that you can’t see. It’s all very fast.
As such, life is much faster. Information is easily available. Everyone with access to the Internet has a surfeit of information, goods and services to consume. It can be overwhelming.
The Internet is changing the world, and the way countries are governed. President Obama is the first U.S. President to appoint a Chief Technology Officer for the country.
Not all world leaders are as welcoming of the Internet. Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarek had Egypt’s connection to the Internet shut off when his people peacefully revolted and demanded his resignation.
The Internet, though, is like water. It can find it’s way in to the hardest to reach places. The people of Egypt were able to stay connected, communicate with family & media, and after almost a month of protesting, overthrow their oppressive government. The Internet helped.
I love the Internet. It’s how I make my living. I make tools for people to access and share information, goods, and services.
Momma loves to read, and look at pictures on the Internet. Mostly pictures of you. She also uses it to stay in touch with her close friends.
You use the Internet, too. You love to watch videos. Double Dream Hands is one of your favorites. Everyone else laughs at it, but you dance to it.
By the time you are actually old enough to read this, the Internet will be very different. Your Elmo dolls will probably be connected, who knows. However it looks, I hope that you take a keen interest in using it, and learning how to use it to help people.
Things I Want My Daughter To Know: Valentines Day
It’s not a big deal. At least, not in the way we know it today.
Originally, it was a day to honor martyrs. A fellow by the name of Chaucer, whom I hope you study in school, is attributed with first associating it with romantic love. Somewhere along the way that turned in to cheap, oversized bears, cheap chocolates, expensive dinners, and chalky candy hearts.
Make sure your Valentine treats you with respect, affection and love all the time. That is what is a big deal.
The chalky candy hearts are somewhat delicious with soda, however. Perhaps give that a shot if you feel pressured to make a bigger deal out of Valentine’s Day.
